Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
