when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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