Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
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at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
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I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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