So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
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You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
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There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
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