Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
