theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
