it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I smell stomach acid.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
