god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
