I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I think I just shit out all my problems.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
