So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
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