i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
