I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Randomize
