two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
