Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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