He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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