My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
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Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
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You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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