i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
