Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
