id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
