i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
