I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
