my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
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