K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
