Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
