I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
