i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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