hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Randomize
