Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
