I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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