she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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