My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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