omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
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I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
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I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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