dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
