Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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