Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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