miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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