there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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