apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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