She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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