shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
be right there i have to get my cape
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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