Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
