and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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