Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
