Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
