I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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