plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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