I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
now i know why i became what i already was.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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