You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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