What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Randomize
