Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
