I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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