Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
