Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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