The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
