Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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