Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
