here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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